they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
