I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
