THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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