Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
