My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
