I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
