My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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