He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
