you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
