He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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