Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
