I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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