She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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