when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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