Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
