i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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