I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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