Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
