fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
