Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
