I'm going to jail i love you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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