I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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