My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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