alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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