Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
