oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
