I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
