Can i not drive my cunt home
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
