i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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