VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
