Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
