He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
