i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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