I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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