She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
