I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
