A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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