I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So. Much. Porn.
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