A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
