the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
