just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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