it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize