i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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