you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
