Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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