I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
