You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
