I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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