So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
