I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
