U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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