so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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