I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
