Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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